the worst day of my life

i never thought i would actually experience the worst day of my life.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

do you know why?

today i received the unexpected news from the doctor.

i went for an 11.30 appointment at the hospital, and it turned out to be a 3 hour wait.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

i was supposedly the last patient of the morning session, but the nurse said the doctors have had enough and so i was made the 1st patient for the afternoon session and was told to go and have a drink.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

the doctor took my file, looked through it and frowned.

the doctor took my file first, but other patients were called first so i ended up waiting another half an hour.

because my case was unusual.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

when i came in to see the doctor, i became a guinea pig because in the room, there were a student doctor, a doctor, and a specialist (i think).

today i am having the worst day of my life.

because i'm supposed to have my dissection class at 3, but my consultation with the doctor actually started at 2 sumthing. which made me miss the 1st hour of my dissection class when i'm having my exam in 2 weeks time.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

because the doctor was not sure of what she was checking, and she assured my my vision will go back to normal.

but when she referred to the specialist, i was examined again, and he told me bluntly it's going to be permanent.

i don't know why, but the tears which came so easily last week didn't appear this time.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

my right eye will never have the same strength as my left eye.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

i was told that i will never gain my previous excellent vision.

and that wearing glasses would not help.

so i must get used to it.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

the doctor said my right eye has a permanent damage, and so i risk having glaucoma at a young age. the previous doctor 2 weeks back actually told me it is unlikely that my eye will suffer permanent damage.

i am to have an annual eye check-up at any optician.

the specialist, the doctor, and the student doctor looked at me; expecting to see some reaction.

instead the only reaction i could think of is whether or not the annual check up will be free within the NHS.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

my right eye, which was inflamed last time, and it resolved; well, the inflammation came back.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

because as a medical student, i know that glaucoma is associated with diabetes.

and diabetes is an autosomal dominant inheritance. which means its passed on from generations to generations especially if both side if parents have it.

the thing is, all my dearly departed grandparents died from diabetes.

so i'm definitely going to get it, and if i do get it, i have a higher risk of getting glaucoma as well.

today i am having the worst day of my life.

because glaucoma can make me blind.

----

oh, but that's not the end of the day.

i told you i am still having the worst day of my life.

because i remember vaguely last summer someone asked for my help on something big.

so i helped him in the way that i know of.

i sent him a draft, to decide whether he likes my idea or not.

but things were so disorganized.

he made me the person-in charge.

i wanted to finish what i gave him by the weekend.

but something happened to my eye that i lost my right vision for a week.

not many sympathize, really.

i needed help to finish it.

i've strained my eye to finish it.

i spent a whole saturday when i know i should be revising medicine because i have already missed a week's worth of knowledge. because i couldnt read during that week.

i got the help i needed, but the person who were supposed to help me went behind my back and did something awful with the thing. the thing is, we've finished the thing and there was no dispute over it. so why went behind my back? why not tell straight to the face?

but let's go back to today being the worst day of my life.

today they told me, they don't want what i wrote. they didn't tell me earlier, they told me after all my efforts have been exhausted to the limit.

some people have came up with something better.

so yeah, today was the day they announced the news to me.

bluntly- they do not want what i have finished, and they are taking the something else.

i thought i couldn't care less, after what has happened earlier during the day; but i realised this:

i never thought i would know how it feels like to have my pride and dignity being stripped to the core,

well now i know how it's like.

and i think today will still have terrible things in store for me.

because today hasn't ended.

but i think i have had enough.

my two cents' worth

rich people can do anything.

seriously.

they can wear sexy clothes, and no one will ever question them.

they can have loads of money and rule the country....and still gamble the money off.

no one will complain.

people simply shut up, or even, complement them on their actions.

poor people cannot wear sexy.

poor people cannot be bad.

because they, whatever opportunities they get, they cannot lose it.

they must work really heard to get to the top.

poor people are the ones who struggle to keep the good old fashion values.

poor people cover their modesty; because, you see, when they go home, they have their families to answer to.

because they're the pride and joy of the poor parents.

they're the beacon of shining hope.

so you see, poor people must exhaust all their efforts to earn a decent life.

rich people can do anything.

because when they come home, their families ignore all their wrongdoings.

as long as they don't do it in front of the parents.

plus, rich people get richer.

and poor people often get poorer.

insomnia

TWO blog posts within a few hours of meaningless sleep???

geez i think i must have insomnia.

anyway, i think becoming a medic overseas makes you....weird. because i hardly stumble upon any blogs written by a local medic. all of them writers are studying overseas.

any explanation for that?

"local medics are nerds. they study all the time."

ohkay ohkay before the local medics started booing and screaming and throwing stuff at me; read below.

i dont think so. i think they have a life-lah. We all je got no life so what do we do?

We blog, and show off to other people that we have a life (eh mane ade..i x show off, you je, apelah).

haha kantoi i xde life. eh mane ade, i ade life-lah.

tapi betul ape, you kat overseas sejuk2 you nak lepak mana? mamak pun xde..

asyik masak aje korje nye.

(but what i told my cousin is,

"nuh-uh...not me. i ROCK.")

never the mind lah you allz...tahun ni kita buat life okeh?

gi tengok wayang main snooker main boling setiap minggu main wii bile dah ada setiap hari ataupun gi kacau rumah orang yang ada wii you know who you are hahahahahaa NAK TAK NAK TAK NAK TAK????

siapa yang nak, you know where i am...call me text me facebook message me dont twitter me cz i dont have one why dont you have one i dont want lah cz im a lazy bum plus im getting a bit phobic of these social networking sites i hardly upload photos on facebook anymore.

eh you bukan budak medik ke? bukan kelas dah setat ke? ape you buat kat malaysia lagi nih? gi balik study ah!

ooooops.

doom has arrived

i was quite looking forward to going back to leeds until today.

when i felt the misery coming in again.

i could not bear having to repeat the pain and misery i felt during my first year.

the depression, the crying, and constant wailing and bantering alone in my bed. on the phone. through cold, horrid winter nights.

everyone thought i was in control; the excellent grades, the excellent performance in every single presentation (ohkay so there were only two but mind you i did won the max hamilton prize thingy hehe), everything.

and yet, there were many times when i felt alone, even though i was surrounded by good, kind-hearted friends.

i even blamed them, sometimes, and i was sincerely sorry for that. when i know that deep down, i am the person who controls my own life.

i envied everyone who i see have it better than me; without realising that they might feel that i have it better than them, or even subconsciously try to make me feel worse than them.

i now fear depression.

really, i do not want that feeling to touch me again.

so i googled up some things.

and i would like to share this with everyone who suddenly feels slightly on the unhappy side. i know there are people out there who finds it difficult to find happiness, even when they are surrounded by joy.

THIS STUFF IS FROM SOME RANDOM WEBSITE.

How many of us put a brave face on things and pretend we're ok, when underneath we're feeling miserable?

How often do we stuff down those negative emotions, to be able to get on with life?

And yet it takes so much effort. Wouldn't it be easier just to be able to feel happier and not to have to bother with all that pretending?

Are you tired of feeling miserable?

Five Things To Avoid, If You're Fed Up Of Feeling Miserable

1. Hanging Around With Negative People

I remember, a good few years ago, I worked in an environment that was full of angry, competitive people. When I started there, I was naive, not long out of college. After a few short years I had to leave, because I had become tense, stressed, aggressive and angry, even when I was at home with my loved ones.

We tend to take on the traits of those we spend time with. If you don't want to be negative any more, it's time to start finding some positive people to hang out with.

2. Beating Yourself Up

This is the absolute best way to feel miserable. Add in a dollop of guilt and you're up there with the world experts. Changing the way we think about ourselves isn't an overnight job. It's much easier than that: just start one thought at a time. Catch your thought and decide whether it makes you feel happier or more miserable about yourself. If it makes you feel happier, hang on to it. If it makes you feel more miserable, just let it go and choose another one.

3. Worrying About What Might Go Wrong

Have you ever noticed how if we assume something is going to go well, it generally does? And if we assume it's going to be a disaster, it usually will be?

There's a good reason that the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy" rings so true.

My mentor once told me a story about fighter pilots who were picked for a special training course, to help them avoid crashing. They were some of the best pilots around and they spent months in flight simulators, experiencing everything that could go wrong and skillfully learning how to get out of every conceivable difficult situation. What happened after the training? The crash rate went up.

If we spend out time worrying about might go wrong, we're focusing so much on the negative aspects that it makes a negative outcome more likely. And we'll feel more miserable before, during and after the event.

4. Criticising Those Around You

Our subconscious mind is very clever. It remembers how to drive the car while we're daydreaming. It reminds us with those nagging doubts, when we've forgotten to lock the front door. It hides our keys in the fridge. Or maybe that's just me?

But there's one thing it doesn't do. It doesn't know the difference between us criticising someone else or criticising ourselves. It just hears the criticism. So every time we pass judgement, it thinks we're back to beating ourselves up. And that makes us feel bad. Want to feel better? Let go of passing comment or judgement on the people and things around you.

5. Diving Into The Drama

Sure, it can almost feel fun to have a good gossip with your friends or work colleagues. It can even turn into a competition for who has had the worst day / journey to work / divorce / holiday nightmare. But, in the long run, it encourages you to focus on the negatives and that will make you feel miserable.

THIS I GOT FROM EZA'S BLOG. THANKS EZA. I HOPE THIS WILL HELP INSPIRE AND MOTIVATE ME THROUGH ANY TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD =)

The Story Of Life

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be, your neighbor, your coworker, a long lost friend, or a complete stranger. When you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved,straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become.

Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

Most importantly if you Love someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.

Learn a lesson in life each day that you live.

That's the story of Life

BUT THE BEST AND EASIEST QUOTE I GOT FROM THIS PERSON WHO EVEN KEEP REMINDING ME OF IT DESPITE NOT TAKING HIS OWN ADVICE IS;

"HAIYAH...WHY YOU THINK TOO MUCH WANNNN??? DON'T THINK SO MUCH LAAAAA..."

=)

anyway, here are things i'm looking forward too (i think making a list helps us through life):

1. studying properly (don't you geddit? i'm a medic ler)

2. getting a wedding gift for a very dear friend (love you wan!)

3. writing down everyone's birthday so that i wont forget to buy them presents and wish them.

4. saving up for the great australian adventure.

5. saving up for france.

6. numbers 4 and 5 should switch according to priority.

7. getting a nintendo wii/ps3

8. decorating my bedroom and hopefully my bathroom (geez this should be first).

9. planning france.

10. planning great australian adventure.

11. finishing THE script according to a person's wishes.

12. go jogging or gym-ing or attend aerobic classes to lose weight.

13. LOSE WEIGHT by eating fruits only for lunch.

and lastly, these are just suggestions on how to fill up my boring life.

12. attending a conference.

13. to quit, or not to quit, LMSU?

14. swim in a pool outside leeds uni before the uni pool is done.

and if i ever start to feel horrible again, or that when PMS comes, i must remember to look again at this post. and read it word by word.

the perks of being a medical student...studying in you know where

whenever i see my relatives...the aunts and uncles started describing to me all their aches and pains. and so i started telling them what i know but when it gets to the point of asking for a diagnosis, instead of stuttering, i faked a very good know-it-all look and gave the best diagnosis i could ever come up with..

situation a)
uncle: how come i always get this swollen thing on my neck?
me: its the lymph nodes that are swollen...it means instead of the bacteria being just at the site of your infection, the bacteria have gotten into your blood system... you probably need to check your blood... (i simply say)..your immune system is being threatened..
uncle: you sure? the doctor says its nothing...i just need a new course of antibiotics..
me: ahhh...that means the bacteria has grown stronger...you need stronger antibiotics..
AUNT: aiyo, dun worry lah. ur uncle always has this swollen thingy everytime he gets sick.

so thats the end of the conversation...(i'm glad it stopped anyway. i couldnt think of anything intelligent to say anymore -___- )

but then uncle continued,
uncle: so whats the difference between a virus and bacteria? (very eager to talk to a future doctor cum just-finished-1st-year-medic)

situation b)
another uncle: (he's got diabetes) so what medications should i take?
me: er...metformin..perhaps? but it all comes down to your diet, you know, you cant eat foods high in cholestrol... very dangerous...my last term was all about this...
the uncle: i cannot stand metformin lah...makes me very weak..the doctor gave me another medicine instead..
me: (aiyo...i dont exactly remember everything ok. but i put on a very nice smile and started talking about diet and exercising)

the uncle eagerly listens until his wife butts in.

aunt: your uncle still eats whatever he wants you know... he's good at exercising diligently, but when it comes to eating....you tell him amilia, tell him dieting is important.

(er ok..)

situation c)

maktok: you know dear, the doctor told me i had a new condition...osteopenic... (put on very know-it-all look)
me: (omg omg what the hell is osteopenis? or izzit penix? or penic?)

but they remain very eager to talk to me about all things medical you know even though i think i crapped most of the time seeing the things i learn are still limited to anatomy and physiology and not so much clinical. hehehehe.

bits of air and water that flu(flew)

1.

we were heading for the bazaar ramadhan just now. i wanted to procrastinate, stall, and do every bit of time-wasting stuff there are...but mum got into the mode of forcing people to do what she wants them to do so i sighed rather heavily and exaggeratively and got up from the piano seat. with a list of delicious malaysian delicacy to buy, sis and i got into the car and i started driving towards the bazaar. anyway, once we got there, we knew the dangers we faced. the rather sweaty, buzzing crowd, the smoke from the satay, ikan bakar, ayam bakar...and everything else that burned and are covered with carbon...i knew we need a plan. a strategy.

i gave an order to my sister:

"now. you go and get the murtabaks, its on the right side so if you walk this way you wont miss it. dont look anywhere else. just go straight and get the murtabak. and here's 6 ringgit. do not look at anyone, and don't breathe so much. once you are done, come back to this place and wait for me. be quick. you got me?

i will go and get the kuih which is on our left in the meantime. ok?"

we parted ways, and i walked as quickly as i could, trying to hold my breath as long as i could.

within a few minutes we were back at the same spot.

mission accomplished.

we headed straight towards the car and got in as fast as we could and drove straight back home.

hang on a minute, i knew someone would say, why didnt you wear a mask?

er, actually, we forgot. hehe. so much for our strategy of avoiding THE INFECTION.

2.

yesterday, i went for terawih prayers at the mosque. once i started praying, the dustmites on the carpet got my nose itchy. with great struggle i tried to hold it in. but i failed miserably.

i SNEEZED.

everyone looked at me one kind.

the kid in front of me started whispering to her mum beside her.

oh dear.

and i SNEEZED.

AGAIN and AGAIN.

the crowd around me became restless and fidgety.

thank god i had a tissue packet in my pocket. i got it out, and started covering my nose. then i sneezed again. uurrghhh.

when i got up again, i realised the space beside me became slightly more spacious.

its just allergies, you know.

but maybe i should start wearing a mask for terawih prayers. sigh.

the reactions are enough to drive anyone with sinusitis problem away form the mosque.

ah but then, the overdramatic reactions may be due to the recent bout of flu that comes from this pink animal called the pig.

yeah, they called it swine flu in a nation where bacon and ham are quite the staple food.

over here they call it influenza A (H1N1)

despite the stigma, they still have concerts and parades and whatnots.

talk about being cautious and wary. hmmmph.

grammy got confused about pronouncing it properly that she calls it H-eye-N-eye. hehe

picture: the virus that scared people off. so very tiny, and yet it has killed 71 in the country.

REM sleep

when i tell you i had a nightmare, i really had a nightmare.
see, in this dream, i was visiting this old malay museum in somewhere i dont quite remember what's it called. but now i come to think of it, the layout of the museum looks like the pasir salak one. anywhoo, my friend (i dont remember who) and i walked around the hallway, following the other people walking up front. soon, we reached this courtyard where there's an old boat and no one else other than my friend and i.
then, i saw this fella. he started telling me about this old boat, and the troubles it has caused him and to his whole life and that now he's all poor and homeless and everything and started to get really pissed off at the boat and i'm like, "ohkayyyyyyy....." though i had no idea how the hell an old boat can cause such misery.

but see, here's the climax.
he suddenly took out a parang and brandished it in front of me!!!!!!!

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!!!!!!!

then he held it to my neck.
i panicked of course. my friend, somehow, was gone.
i think i blabbered some ridiculous stuff, but somehow, i managed to get away from him and actually continued walking through the stupid museum!!!!
i think the dream paused for quite a long time during the moment when the fella held the parang to my neck cause i still remember it VERY VIVIDLY. oh god, scary man.

anyway, outside the museum, there's this sort of old-looking bus stop and i saw a guard there. i quickly told him what happenned...and you know what??? he actually told me yeah these things often happen and that gila fella with the parang is always around trying to kill anyone and that i have to be careful bla bla bla...

what the hell?????
"arent you, as a guard, going to something?
.......anything???
.......at all?????!!!" (i think i screamed this bit to myself because if i remember correctly, the guard didnt respond to this part)

well obviously like i mentioned just now,
this is all just a dream.

somehow though, i think i've read somewhere that dreams are always related to our experiences, or even our deepest desires. so i got myself thinking after i woke up. having a parang against my neck is something i definitely do NOT desire, so the dream must be due to something i've experienced before.

hehe..no, i have never been attacked in such a way.

but i did watch 'la dolce amira', that stupid boring show which suddenly got very interesting last night.
see, last night, amira was attacked by a robber with a parang. and the scene was quite horrifying, really.
so i guess that explains it.

now i feel like analysing more of my dream. (talk about getting carried away)

you see, the man with the parang somehow symbolises the state of security in this country. i think you might have heard of that 'geng parang', who rob people mercilessly as they dont care who they kill, just so that they can get what they want. i dont know whether all of them are gone/caught/killed though, cause i knew this piece of news was a year or two back.

and the GUARD, you see, symbolises the Malaysian Police Force.
heck, if you readers are any bright, you'll realise that they're not doing much. its scary how nowadays people hire private security companies to maintain the safety of their houses, and some, even the whole neighbourhood.
i believe we, the commoners, will not be needing those if we have excellent security. (for example, police cars roaming the neighbourhood at night, mat rempits being hauled off everytime they try to race that they give up)

but then again, this dream could all just be a dream and nothing more than a dream hehe. because we only needed 5 hours of core sleep. and the rest are just extra optional sleep so the dream could all just be 'mainan syaitan'; no interpretations required hohohohoho.

picture: sleep stages; the first 5 hours are core sleep, and the rests optional. (taken from andy hill's lecture)